Why do I put up a front?

I smile, laugh, and act happy but I'm not. I am so stressed out I feel like I'm going to explode! I hate myself for allowing my dad to molest me as a child and not killing him but I was scared. I hate myself for not going to college. I feel like a little speck of dirt that no one notices. I try to be a good mom but my back hurts so bad from lifting and tugging on my 5 year old who is paralyzed from the waist down. And the only thing I can say truly without exaggeration is how much I love my kids. No one likes me no matter how hard I try to make friends. I sit at home 24/7 and try to be the perfect mom and wife. I do nothing for myself. I used to be really pretty and I fixed my hair and makeup all the time and now I have black bags under my eyes, I only get to shower if my husband will watch the kids, and I can't remember the last time I got all prettied up. I hate but I do it anyways. It gives me cold chills. And the doozy I even smile at my therapist and lie to him about how I'm feeling. Why am I like this? I hate myself!